The story of Sir. Divward Kiddery …

LIfe From birth.

DivKid was born into a caring, loving family in 1406. He is the sedated love child of former dictators Hitler and Mussolini. Whitney Houston was the surrogate. She was artificially inseminated after she passed out at a swingers party at Michael Barrymore’s house. All three parents died just after child birth, as they all sustained lawnmower injuries.

Serves as a Paratrooper in the world nuclear holocaust of 1428, which was a 13 year world wide conflict between England and Peter Stringfellow. The radiation is the sole reason for Peter Stringfellow’s poor fashion sense, lack of hair, and the invention of lapdancing clubs.

By the time he turned into a teenager (1523) he developed a spiritual relationship/obsessive compulsive order with a bag of rusty knives. This was a brief relationship, as after 72 years of melancholy happiness, he discovered the more exciting and exotic Swiss Army knife on a holiday. A Swiss Army knifes a type of multi-function pocket knife or multi-tool. It originated in Ibach Schwyz, Switzerland in 1897. The term “Swiss Army knife” is a registered trademark owned by Wenger S.A. and Victorinox A.G., longtime suppliers of knives to the Swiss Armed Forces.

in 1602, DivKid realised he had made a huge mistake of ridding his sack of rusty knives, as the swiss army knife never measured up in comparison. Sadly, the rusty knives had already parted their separate ways. His fetish became focussed on the rusty colour, and he became obsessed with the English Red Squirrel. This did not have a happy ending, as we all know that the English Red Squirrel has now evolved one of the smaller species of  oyster which can be found in most salt water oceans, and a lof of upbeat restaurants as a starter meal. (The word oyster is used as a common name for a number of distinct groups of Bivalve Molluscs which live in marine or brackish habitats). Oysters are believed to be an aphrodisiac but there is not a huge amount of research to confirm or deny this.

DivKid ventured on a long journey to America, to see if he could spot any Red English Squirrels that had migrated due to the nut recession of 1624, but had not yet evolved into oysters. He had no look, as the American Squirrel was grey and much more camouflaged than the English Red, this case of Natural Selection was one of the factors in which English Red Squirrels died out so quickly in America, plus the American grey Squirrel had Mr T as backup.

After 30 years, DivKid gave up his search for the English Red Squirrel and decided to have a nap. He hibernated for 7000 years, hoping that he would forget all about knives and squirrels. When he finally woke after his great slumber, he felt refreshed, but a bit pissed off as he woke up late and had to miss breakfast. He was so amazed at how much the world had changed during his coma, that he felt he may never fit into society like a normal person/sack of potatoes ever again. This lack of confidence led to reclusive behaviour, where he would only go out and socialise on evening and weekends.

In 1903 he decided to rejoin the National Service but this time he was in the American Army. He took it upon himself to make the world a better place and wanted to be an inspiration to all who he came across. This was because he had watched Band of Brothers, where all the good main characters are still alive at the end. (He recommends it to everyone whole heartedly).

After serving in the American Army for 10 years, Divkid decided he would retire from National Service and concentrate on making (what he describes as) Easily-Listening music. Easily-Listening music is a term that DivKid coined himself, he describes it as music that is so loud that perforated  eardrums would still hear the noises he creates. It has to be as loud as possible.

At the minute DivKid is taking time out of composing his Easily-Listening music to go fishing in the Opium fields in the Middle East.